Something I Wrote #3

Online writing prompt time! I’m getting these from Reddit, by the way.

Aliens, hell bent on destroying the earth make one damning mistake, landing in Canada. You watch as through Canada’s kindness and compassion, Canada somehow, manages to change the alien’s minds.

The ship was massive. An enormous thing, black, jagged, a kind of study in inconvenient geometry that did not meed to be aerodynamic. It just… Hovered atop Ottawa in exactly the way bricks shouldn’t.

The first people sent there were linguists. The aliens managed to communicate with them after a month of frustrated pointing and writing. Their message was simple enough: surrender or be destroyed.

The United States was alarmed when CBC aired the news. It took a few hours, though, because nobody in the American government ever watches CBC. They offered to nuke it, to bomb it with more conventional weaponry, and the president called the Prime Minister at least three times. Still, the PM refused the offers, and offered the Aliens dinner. They went to his home expecting guns, or white flags, but they found neither. Canada has a history of war, from 1812 to Afghanistan. Three out of the five longest sniper shots in history were shot by Canadians. They have impressed Russians, Arabs, Koreans and Germans time and again with their hard work, loyalty, marksmanship and ability to wear only a T-Shirt in -10C weather. Canadians are not afraid of war.

The like to think they are above it, though.

And so, the tall, eight-eyed long-eared, four-armed creatures were invited to dinner with the PM, a tall, handsome, young-looking man who occasionally had to look at a camera beside them and repeat what he had just said in French.

And they took Selfies with him, they ate simple pancakes, sausages and maple syrup (with some added fruits and ham on the side). He asked them about their world, often saying their words surprisingly well and respectfully. He asked them about what they wanted, why they wanted to conquer the earth in the first place, and so on. The meeting went on long into the night, and would have gone longer if the PM hadn’t had to cut it short because it was his turn to read a bedtime story to his daughter.

The aliens went back to their ship befuddled, and decided to do as had been done to them, since they were not sure what the protocol was. They had dinner with the PM again the next night, and spoke about their needs. About the great intergalactic wars, about their need for resources found deep in the earth’s crust. And slowly, the Prime Minister of Canada worked his magic. He smiled, he made notes, and he listened. He listened very closely.

By the second month, a treaty had been signed. In exchange for permission to land on Mars and dig there (he had convinced them that Mars was earth territory), the aliens would share their technology. There was also an intergalactic tourism industry to think about, and a trade agreement regarding technological exchange. They sealed the deal with a bottle of Maple Syrup and two bottles of beer. The aliens left almost as suddenly as they had arrived, with not a single life lost or gun drawn.

And that is how Canada saved the world.

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Something I Wrote #3

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